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smoke & mirrors.

I’m a runner. Very much not of the athletic kind, wine run maybe? When things get hard or overwhelming, I struggle to compartmentalise and rationalise things in my mind. It can all be too much. I’ve mentioned before I feel things deeply – A blessing and a curse, a great and a not so great trait. Usually this benefits others more than in benefits me. At times I just want to not be feeling these shitty feelings resulting in me distancing myself from the source of the shitty feelings and often this results in more shitty feelings. I run. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it takes me a mo to reset.

I’m working on not. Starting with a slow walk, but sometimes dealing with the hard is, well, hard. Too hard at times. If I am being honest, sometimes I don’t cope. I also don’t know how to cope with not coping, insert the running. I like to live my life easy. So when it’s not easy sometimes it does not compute. I’m not going to lie I don’t make it easy on me living an easy life.

I thrive off easy going, minimal drama, lots of laughs, spontaneity, great people, love galore and plenty of wine – Simple one would thing. But then Life!

Have you ever been at a crossroads in your life? A time where you know you need to make a decision that will quite possibly shape the direction of your life? Whether positive or negative. A time for opportunity or a time of crisis. This doesn’t necessarily mean a crossroads has been forced on you, sometimes the feelings of needing to level up brings on a need for a choice. A new direction.

Potentially you feel like it’s time to make a change. Feeling lost, confused, or stuck? Or even just you’ve become, over years of experiences, not the person or where you expected to be, and you find that you don’t recognise the person staring back at you in the mirror? I don’t mean like you’ve put on 20 covid kilos and you are physically unrecognisable to oneself (can I get a hands up!) but life has slowly gotten in the way of all you’d once aspired to be leaving little to no aspirations remaining and just a skeleton of 9 hour work days, workplace dramas, loved ones dealing with unimaginable things, chores, children, and driving cars in to banks.

I’ve made that sound all very dramatic. Shortland Street here I come. I did actually submit an application to be an extra in a new Jason Momoa movie being filmed in the Bay of Islands. Aside from the fact they were looking for people with Polynesian decent, I can’t act. But heck – Jason Momoa. Probably not necessary to let you know I heard nothing back.

A crossroad is not necessarily in a negative light. It could be anything from a change in fabric softener through to a change of career (obviously not acting for me).

Being a people pleaser and avoiding conflict at all costs has resulted in a slight derailment and finding myself not being true to myself. More so a combination of custom molds to fit everyone else I’ve encountered through life. I see the traits of others in me, but that’s exactly what I recognise those traits as – others. For whatever reason I’ve found myself here, at a crossroads with who I was and who I want to be. Who I am.

We are all creatures of habit. Although we may act as if we’re comfortable with change, most of us are a little scared of making decisions that have a big impact on your original life trajectory.

This holds true if the changes are necessary or desirable. We tell ourselves that we can hold on because what we have isn’t all that horrible. But we are only masquerading to ourselves deep down.

We’re frequently told following our heart is foolish. I call bullshit. Your head can’t work out what makes you happy—only your heart knows what makes you smile. Happiness is not always logical, so all the analysis in the world may not give you the right answer. When deciding on a significant life change, choose first with your heart because that leads to happiness. Then work out the logistics with your head to find a way of making it happen. This way is far more likely to result in happy endings. Get your mind out of the gutter.

You know what – fuck it!

Stop being scared! It’s time to challenge yourself, take care of yourself, change your mindset and start living. Stop waiting for the perfect moment, a Monday, the New Year, hell to freeze over.

Why stay in a job you hate? In a bad relationship? Dealing with financial stress? Spending your precious time with people that don’t really give a shit about you?

Surround yourself with passion, excitement, love. I know there are parts of adulting we will never get away from – bills, washing, dog poo. But there is 100% parts you get to control! You get to do you and you do you boo. Dig deep, find what ignites your fire and make it happen. Life is short. Too short – I have felt this deeply over the past few years. Don’t give yourself a reason to regret. Tell people you love them, stay in your pjs all day, take a risk on your career. Do it. I mean don’t be a dick but really stop and think about your heart, your happiness and how you are going to get to your best you.

Sounds like I’m trying to sell you something! If you join my program today I will throw in, not one, but two sets of Ginsu knives (did anyone ever actually get theses? Were they good? Because they offered them up like they were the knives of all knives)

I’m going to throw in the ever so known ‘live your best life’ Oprah Winfrey quote. I don’t mean this in a ‘post on Instagram what parts of your life people will be envious or presumptuous of’ kind of way. But live your best version of YOUR life. Now.

There are plenty of ‘best life’ versions, everyone’s unique. Here’s a few things to mull over.

I really could go on but you get where I’m going. Google it. After reading some good advice I am now on a conscious and deliberate mission to live my best life.

I am far from an expert on the matter, but I have learned a lot thus far on my journey. Enough to make me realise what I do and don’t want or need in my life.

My idea of what I thought my life would look like at 35 years old is nothing like the life I am living. It is better (hah got ya). I am very fortunate in a lot of the hands I have been dealt. But there are still versions that I would like to bring to fruition. The work I need to do is on my internal self, my confidence, my self esteem, my mind, heart and soul (not in a fluffy way). Embrace positive and share it with the world.

Take my Facebook or Instagram pages for example – I seemingly have a pretty tasty looking life. The perfect relationship, a beautiful home with access to endless beautiful beaches, a flawless family, lots of wonderful adventures, great friends, I do nice things, appreciate the worlds beauty.

Honestly that is my life – Just not all of it.

You get my point? More so is that no ones lives are completely without holes. Mine is right up there with swiss cheese.

It’s not that I’m trying to portray a perfect life, I’m just not interested in airing my dirty laundry for all the world to see. Doesn’t work with my ‘make the world smile’ mojo. So I post the good. I love the daily memories and reiteration of good times with good people. It helps to remind you of, not only where you’ve come from, but a reminder of the smiles and major life events and all you have to be grateful for.

So is this an elaborate deception or pretense? Or simply sharing your happiest moments and achievements with your friends and family (and the occasional random that you made best friends with over too many wines at the local bar and have not spoken to since). To induce more positive thoughts and memories? Certainly not to belittle anyone else’s lives or achievements. I’m going to go with the later.

There are so many things I want to do, so much I want to achieve and only so many hours in a day, a huge sense of overwhelming resulting in getting very little done – go figure. But I think I’ve now convinced myself in to getting off my arse and start making some positive steps forward – how you going?

Even if you are not sure on the direction you do want to go, I bet you can be sure as hell about what you don’t want. Whether it be family, relationships, home, work, money, or health.

Thankfully I can tick most things off my ‘I don’t want’ list off as things I in fact – don’t have. But some of you may have a few you need to dispose of? Try working back from what you don’t want and see if you can work out a way to eliminate these weights.

I’m going to stop now as I’m on a tangent but if you didn’t make any sense of what you just read, promise me one thing. Stop and think about your life, where you are, who you are, what makes you tick? Are you the version of yourself you would want your children to grow up to be? Start challenging yourself, make small movements in the right direction, appreciate the good and start working towards YOUR best life.

For me – that is summed up in kindness and simplicity. So far my zero fucks towards anything and everything that does not bring me a purpose or happiness is working a treat – better than expected. I am not really an airy-fairy type. I mean that with no disrespect – in fact I wish I was. There is a lot to say for being in tune with your mind. What I am is a sucker for a good quote, I’ll psychoanalyse almost any quote and make it relevant to my life somehow. I’m a believer in everything happens for a reason (no matter how fucked up), karma and the laws of attraction. I am a lover of animals, a singer (terribly of songs), a partner, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a stepmother, a godmother, an aunty, a niece, a coworker and a friend.

Finally I am a 35-year-old female trying to find her best version, share it with the world and hopefully inspire them (even just one person) to do the same.

For fuck sakes – let’s smile!

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