Yesterday I was told we have a toxic office environment and I am a big part of the reason. My initial reaction is shock, a few tears and then rolls in the overanalyzing, overthinking… replaying all interactions, the self-doubt, throw in some anger. Sure, I can be a bitch from time to time but Toxic? Fuck that.

Working with woman, as much as I hate the stereotype, is hard work. We can be arseholes! I am sure we are all guilty of having a bitch and a moan, sometimes warranted, most times not. I know I have been guilty of this, especially of late. Generally, for me it’s when I have shit going on that the words come out before I even think about what I’m saying, often with no real fire behind them and not really thought much of afterwards. Completely ignoring the impact it may have on those around me. Not that that is an excuse. It is what it is. Heck, if I can’t remember even saying it, it’s clearly not a big thing – to me! But in this case, it was to somebody else. A work disagreement with another colleague, a lot of change, and ‘some’ misdirected anger has been slowly eating away at someone I work closely with, and I had no idea it was even happening. There was no malicious intent, no full story heard, and no explanation I could give. It absolutely gutted me. Whether it was intentional or not. I was having such a negative impact on someone with some unfiltered words and lack of observance. Now we are here.

I have always prided myself on being thoughtful and thinking of others. I try to be inclusive, and kind and would hand on heart never want to make someone feel this way – but I did. This spun my tyres. Regardless of whether the way it was received was the way it was intended it was the way it was perceived that matters. Fucking perception – I hear this word way too much! It is the mother of all fables, plot twist and not so happy endings.

So many times, in my life I have said the words “Why are we pulling each other down when we should be lifting each other up?”. What a hypocrite – what an arsehole.

I work with a handful of woman in a very male dominated work environment and I truly truly believe we should be empowering each other as we are all impressive woman in our own right. We all have our faults (mine just happens to be a list exceptionally long) but we all have some great qualities too, all so different that we would complement each other in so many ways.

I’ve done damage I need to work to rectify, although I cannot undo what was said and the feelings of others, I can work on what comes out of my mouth, being kinder, being more thoughtful and empowering other woman to be their best selves.

So next time you go to open your mouth stop and think – is that necessary to say? Will this hurt someone else? What benefit do these words have aside from fueling a fire? If you are bald can you get dandruff?

I promised this blog would be an honest telling of my experiences – the good the bad and the arsehole.

Most of us want to be a better person right? Sadly I think I’ve only just realised I can be a jerk. I’ve always been a little late to the party. But hey, nothing to wrong with a work in progress.

I’m going to finish with some advice. To all of you who are blissfully unaware of your impact on others around you. To those of you I have wronged whether intended or perceived. I’m sorry.

• Think before you speak. Words can carry a lot of weight
• Embrace Change. This only helps us grow as individuals
• Be grateful. There is always something to be thankful for
• Do the right thing. You’ll always know what it is
• Use your strengths. Don’t let them go to waste
• Address your weaknesses. Big focus point for me. Head in the sand achieves nothing
• Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise regularly, sleep well
• Pay attention to others. You could make someone’s day by a simple smile
• Forgive yourself. Humans make mistakes
• Slow down. There’s no room for impatience
• Be yourself. You should never be ashamed of the real you
• Stop pointing fingers. You are not accountable for the actions of others so let it go
• No more excuses. Just get it done
• Be honest and direct. Cut the bullshit
• Listen to other people. Sometimes people just want to be heard
• Always be polite. Manners are not hard and go along way
• Never ever be ashamed of who you are. Your emotions make you who you are you don’t ever get to be made to feel like you need to apologise for that.

“We need women at all levels, including the top, to change the dynamic, reshape the conversation, to make sure women’s voices are heard and heeded, not overlooked and ignored.”
– Sheryl Sandberg

Ciao for now

Recovering Arsehole

xx